Getting through Christmas and New Year can be a tough time for the newly divorced or those who have gone through a relationship break up. If that’s you please go easy on yourself.
But here you are in 2024 and now is the time to start thinking about how you are going to move forward. If I had a magic wand I would make all the heartache and misery you may be feeling go away with one vast wave. But I don’t and even if I did I’m not sure it would serve you well in the long run because there are always lessons to be learnt from adversity.
Like any kind of grief, there are different stages to a break up/divorce and they are not linear. One day you might be quite numb, the next angry and then whoosh an upsurge of sadness hits you. When I went through my divorce going to the supermarket really got to me. Buying food for myself was a clear reminder I was now single and it all just flooded back. I’d get back home and sense the tears were not far away. It would have been so easy and natural to distract myself but I knew better. I’d tell myself to just let them flow and surrender to the feelings.
What I am advocating is: do your grieving, you really can’t circumnavigate it. Tears give way to relief, they are a release. But repressed sadness can lead to depression so it’s okay to feel sad. Don’t fear your sadness, in fact I would go so far as to say greet it at the door. Why? Because it shows you care, it is an indicator you loved. Okay that love is no longer reciprocated or other interpersonal stuff got in the way of the love being viable. But you DID love and that is the important thing. Even if your love wasn’t strong enough or maybe you weren’t sure but you were willing to try to love, you had belief in it. All of which will stand you in good stead to find a new relationship.
To move on, you have to move through. Honouring whatever feelings arise for you is how you move towards recovery. Sit with the feelings, be alongside them and let them come naturally to a stop. Don’t concern yourself with thoughts of once I start crying or feeling sad, I will never stop because those thoughts are not helping you, they prevent you from expressing how you are truly feeling.
If you do find yourself stuck in the mire consistently for days or weeks on end, get support systems in place. Join a group, speak to trusted friends, seek counselling and if you can’t afford it, there is low-cost counselling with trainees in their second or third year at most organisations who offer counselling. Trainees are well supervised and a screening process is in place to ensure no other major issues are present in which case it might be possible to see a more experienced counsellor at a reduced fee.
Whatever route you take, find support.
I began this post talking about moving forward and it might sound like I’m taking you backwards or asking you to be at a standstill. The truth is until you work through the grief, you cannot move forward because it will always be there waiting for you, ready to surface at any given moment. Or it will be pushed so far down, running you from the inside, effecting your thoughts and feelings and how you view the world.
To gain any traction on getting over your relationship, give yourself the time and space to do so. Once you do that, the recovery process begins. Look at it this way, you fall over and cut your knee, it’s bleeding badly and there’s a nasty open wound. Do you ignore it, do you carry on walking home and then stick a little plaster you have in your bathroom cabinet on it? No, you don’t do any of these things. You go to the hospital and you get it stitched up, you attend to your knee. The same thing applies to your emotional wounds, show up for them, hold them in high regard. In turn this means you maintain good self-esteem.
One final world. Remind yourself on a daily basis.
I am worthy of being loved especially when sorrow descends upon me.
With love and care as always