There is no getting away from it, the end of a relationship turns your world upside down. Emotions flying all over the place, your tender heart all battered and bruised. And don’t think that if you were the one who ended it and are breathing a sigh of relief, that you will be immune to having some big old feelings, nobody is.

We all feel the effects of endings even if we pretend otherwise because they involve loss. The fact is the demise of a relationship needs to be managed and once you acknowledge this, you give yourself a better chance of recovering.

As the saying goes one door closes, another opens and skipping towards a new door can be liberating and exciting.  But don’t forget to close the old door firmly behind you because if you leave it ajar, at some point you will be hit by a mighty draft.  What I’m talking about is making sure any unfinished business is dealt with.  This means looking at the ending in a conscious way and allowing yourself to grieve. I can imagine right now that you may want to run for that door (enough of the door metaphor), you might even be thinking, grief, get me out of here and I get that.  The thing is if you don’t process it, sit with it, accept it, grief has a way of lingering around ready to engulf you at any point and will leak out sideways

We’re not taught how to manage and be with our grief and we tend to want to run a mile from it, usually fearing it will be a permanent state. Generally, it isn’t, though of course it can linger for a long time. Learning to cope with the pain of grief after a relationship breaks down will serve you well in the long run. Let me name from the outset, it isn’t always easy, it isn’t necessarily comfortable. But it is important to deal with the sadness. Why? Because that is where your healing begins.

So here are the first two things you need to do:

First of all you have got to shed those tears.  Cry some, cry some more.  You will not die from crying.  There is no shame in crying.  Conscious crying is good for you.  We have the capacity to weep for a reason.  Supressing tears is where the trouble lies, pushing them down, holding them in, it takes up a lot of energy.  Then they come leaking out at inopportune moments when you’re least expecting it. What I am advocating is when you feel the sadness bubbling up you let it surface, make sure you are in a safe space, perhaps alone or with a trusted ally.  Certainly, don’t express them around people who are not sympathetic or don’t understand what you are going through.

Make time for yourself, you will come through.  As we say the way out is through. And definitely do not worry what you look like, a bit of ugly crying where you go for it, tissues at the ready, will go a long way to helping you recover from a breakup. If it feels too daunting, too overwhelming, as odd as this might sound, you could actually set yourself a time limit of say fifteen minutes. Yes, you might still have a heavy heart afterwards but you know what?  Most of us are the walking wounded, it’s just that some people are better are covering up than others. Don’t judge how you are feeling on the inside to other people’s outside.  We’ve all got stuff to deal with, especially after the past two years and what the whole world is going through.

The second thing to be aware of is how you treat yourself as you come to terms with a breakup. Now is the time to be extremely tender towards yourself. It doesn’t matter if it was your fault, if you behaved badly or if you were treated badly, whatever the reasons for the split, you must treat yourself with the utmost kindness.  This is not the time to be beating yourself up. Any exploration of what factors you may have contributed to it ending can be looked at later, not now when you are feeling downhearted and hurting inside.  Self-kindness is crucial, listen to your inner voice, make sure it is not being critical or harsh.  Ask yourself, is what I am saying to myself making me feel okay.  If not, then it is time to change your narrative. Look at it this way, if you had a broken toe or finger would you be bashing it against a wall, no you wouldn’t.  You would be taking care of it, wrapping it up in a bandage, mindful of how you use it and giving it time and space to heal. Well it’s the same with a broken or heavy heart.  It needs gentleness and some tender loving care. Cut yourself some slack and don’t make judgements against yourself. When we are hurting we are at our most vulnerable, it can make us feel helpless and small, so I hope you are getting the picture that it is imperative to bring in heaps of self-care, no exceptions.  What one loving thing can you do for yourself right now? How can you be kindness itself towards your post relationship blues?

In the next blog  I will give you two further recommendations to heal your broken heart. For now, take good care of yourself and honour your emotions.

With love and care as always

Carol

#broken heart #end of relationship #new beginnings #healing #divorce #separation #self care