LOVE IS BLIND
One of my guilty pleasures is watching Netflix’s Love is Blind, the reality show about people dating sight unseen. Observing what makes people tick is my excuse. Yes, it’s a social experiment where 30 hopefuls date in pods looking for love and marriage but my curious nature can’t resist seeing if love wins out …...or if it doesn’t.
Contestants hope to make a connection so they can proceed to a second date with one or two others. If so they continue ‘dating’ and eventually have to decide if they want to get engaged. If the other contestant accepts they will then meet each other face to face. This is followed by a week together at a couple’s retreat as well as living together back in their hometown.
Then it’s decision time: Is Love Blind and will they marry? It’s only at the altar they get to say I DO or I DON’T. Usually they don’t which doesn’t surprise me and often I can tell who is going to say I DON’T even when they are professing undying love.
In series six, a vivacious, kind and sassy young woman called AD was turned down at the altar. She was understandably devasted and broke down asking herself over and over again, “Why is it that whatever I do it is not enough? Why wasn’t I enough?”. AD was one of the most giving women I’d seen on the program. She gave enormous amounts of support to Clay the guy she dated, she understood him, flaws and all and as he said “She made me feel the best of myself”. AD empathised with his workload even though it meant he didn’t always have time for the relationship, she had his back and was incredibly encouraging.
What I wanted to say to her was this: “It’s not that you weren’t enough AD or didn’t do enough. It was that you gave far, far too much. It was all one-sided and you got the short straw. Some of that love you poured onto him should have been coming right back to YOU”. Clay had some shit to sort out and seems like he was willing to do that but it cost AD a lot of heartache to give so much to a guy who wasn’t ready to receive it.
This is not an uncommon theme in relationships especially if one person is what we call a Rescuer. They’ve always got someone’s back, they look out for people all the time. It can go as far as them being a sacrificial lamb which comes at a huge emotional cost whilst the other person gets to feel really good about themselves. The Rescuer is overly identified with the love archetype, yes there can be a thing as giving too much love, and they are too focused on taking care of others.
Here are some Rescuer traits:
Self-sufficient
Need to be needed
Advocate for others but not themselves
Compelled to help even if they don’t want to
Problem fixer
Helps out when help not asked for.
Guilty if don’t help.
Avoids looking at their own difficult feelings.
Does more than their fare share.
Cannot receive, only give.
Rescuer language goes like this:
“Let me help you”.
“I’ll sort it out”.
“I can drop everything and come over now”.
“Don’t worry about me”.
“I’m here for you”.
“I understand”.
“I’ll speak to them for you”.
“Oh, you shouldn’t have bothered to do that for me”.
“I don’t want you to feel so bad”.
Of course, all of the above are no bad thing in moderation and make people good friends and partners. But if this type of behaviour is excessive it tips into being a Rescuer. Ultimately it doesn’t serve either party because the person being rescued doesn’t get to sort themselves out and the Rescuer often gets burnt out from doing all the work. One other important factor here is that the Rescuer gets to be the Hero/Heroine of this dynamic. It part of the Drama Triangle which goes like this: Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor. I’ll talk more about The Victim and the juiciest of all, The Persecutor in my next post as that’s the last thing we ever want to think we are. Guess what? Given the right circumstances we all have the potential to have these unpleasant aspects to our personality. But it’s much easier to identify with the Rescuer because we can then see ourselves as the good guy.
AD had a lot of love to give and in the reunion episode she declared she didn’t want to be Clays mother. And of course, ultimately he didn’t want to marry a mother figure. I don’t know AD but I truly hope she could see that being a Rescuer did not serve her in the long run and that equality is the thing to aim for in any relationship.