In the first part of Post Relationship Blues I talked about how to allow yourself to grieve and the importance of self-care.
The third thing to bear in mind is that a breakup is a process. It is an intensely painful thing that has happened. Recovery takes time. You might be feeling scared, lonely, questioning what you have done and ruminating on what happened. There are no short cuts to recovery so the only thing to do is take one day at a time and keep worries about the future to a minimum. Most of what we worry about doesn’t happen anyway so although you feel miserable now don’t project that into next week, next month, next year, forever! Because you don’t know how you will feel then because guess what? You are not a fortune teller. All you know for sure is how you feel right now, in this moment. That is the only true thing.
If you are feeling particularly distraught, take just one moment at a time. Remember to breathe, connect with your breath, take the breath deep into the belly by expanding your lungs, take slow breathes in and out, ground yourself by making sure your feet are firmly on the ground and you feel supported. When we are upset our breathing tends to be shallow and in the upper chest which results in less oxygen reaching the rest of the body hence releasing chemicals that are harmful. By breathing deeply, we can activate the para-sympathetic system which calms us down. I put one hand on my upper chest and one on my belly making sure it is the belly that is rising and the upper chest remaining as still as possible. Do this for 30 seconds, a minute or two whatever you can manage. In fact, if you practice this often even when you are not upset it can really help to bring about a very calm state. I use it frequently if I wake up during the night and find it difficult to get back to sleep, nine times out of ten it works and I’m back in a deep slumber before I know it.
Finally, the fourth thing to know is that we need to share our heartaches, to have people walk alongside us as we deal with the emotional pain of a divorce or separation. By leaning into the difficult feelings, you can learn to master your emotions rather than them running you ragged. As the saying goes better out than in, it’s of no use having them festering away inside of you. Once you have total acceptance of your challenging emotions you are more likely to share them with others who care about you. And this is an important aspect of your healing. We need to tell our stories and by sharing them we not only help ourselves but we help others too.
As American Psychologist and author Brene Brown has been advocating for some time now showing vulnerability is a sign of strength. I would add it also allows others to show their helplessness, it’s like it gives them permission, not that they need it, to be vulnerable. And no matter how strong, independent, stoic you are, everyone has vulnerabilities that need careful handling. When we have come to terms with what has happened to us we can begin to move on and that is surely what you want for yourself. To give yourself another chance at love.
With love and care as always
Carolx